Twisted Diary Series
by Jaderising
Summary: YEAR 1: Twisted Diary of Quirrell is up. Want to know about Dumbledore's purple nightie, Voldie and his horsey date, robe swerving Snape, and why Quirrell hates Potter? Read and find out.
1. Twisted Diary of Severus Snape

Inspired by very very secret diaries series of Lord of the Rings. Here is my take on Harry Potter World. Enjoy. 

Jaderising.

Twisted Diary of Severus Snape Year 1 Entry 1 

Got a raise today. Bloody 1 galleon! 

But bragged it all about it to Quirrell, but he was all into S&M, so decided not to talk to him unless absolutely have to. Hope he doesn't get mad and started to stutter in front of me.  Such a put off.  

Potter was starring at me, so gave him my evil eyes, mentally telling him to back off, I am not into you. And amazingly, he looked away, looking all defeated. Serves him right, he think he's all that, a boy celebrity and all. 

Well…I don't like celebrities.  And especially Dumbledore, he thinks he's all mighty wizard in the world and all, but he really doesn't have ching-ga-ching to go with it. I mean, only 1 galleon raise!  

Although, did see him wear big diamond encrusted medal, at least…hope it was a medal, around his neck with his purple nightie, trying to show off his lean thighs in front of the mirror the other night.  

Now, if he didn't have money, where did he get all that bling bling? Eh?

Things to consider: money or love? Better yet, old with money or young and broke. Hmmmm….

Entry 2 

Still can't get Dumbledore's nightie out of my head.  Think I need to spend that galleon on my sleeping draught from Pomfrey. 

Swerved my robe dramatically and exited from my last class. Think it's neat. How the black billowing behind me… Make me look taller and dashing.

Entry 3 

Pomfrey had been very possessive of her draught for some reason. She won't want to part with it, until I told her 'I know what you did last summer.' And funny enough, she gave all of her sleeping draught without the galleon I offered before.

Wondered what exactly she did last summer, until the sleep took me.

Didn't dream about Dumbledore's purple nightie. Go sleepying draught. Go whatever Pomfrey did last summer.

Purple nightie 0. Sleeping draught 1.

Entry 4 

Woke up late today. Stupid sleepying draught. Should tell Pomfrey to make another one. She seemed to be very nervous around me, as if I would know what exactly she did last summer. 

Teaching classes had been boring, boring, and oh yeah, boring.  Longbottom blew up his potion, yet, again.  Think he fancies me, because he kept watching me and not paying attention to his work.  It would have flattered me, that he was fancing me, but he's so not my type.  He's last name says it all, long bottom.  I like tight butt. I think Malfoy has that, mmmm.

Almost blew my own potion. Bad Snape. Must pay attention to one's own work, especially in front of Malfoy.  Don't want him to think I am not cool 2 da bone. 

Yo! Sup, homie.

Okay, that didn't go too well with him. He looked at me and went, "Are you okay, Professor?" and had to all go, "Hmm, what?" then had to cover it up, so yelled, "Mr. POTTER! Detention!"

To my luck, Potter was doing something bad, because his face went all red and didn't even complain about giving him detention. And better yet, Malfoy looked really pleased at me. So I took off 10 points from Gryffindors.

Hmmm…new sleeping potion didn't work at all this time. I dreamed of the purple nightie again. And this time Dumbledore was crossing and uncrossing his legs.  Must tell Pomfrey again that I knew what she did last summer, so she will make the proper one.

Note to self: Ewwww….never ever want to see Dumbledore doing that in real life, much less my own dream. 

Purple nightie 1 Sleepying draught 1.

Entry 5 

Quirrell is stalking me.  I shouldn't have swerved my robe in front of him, I knew he would fall for my dramatic mystic.  He said won't stop until I give in.  NEVER! 

Pomfrey gave me proper sleepying draught this time. And she even gave me free bandages. For what? Didn't know and didn't ask.

Cornered by Quirrell again, and had to tell him I wasn't into a man with strange smell, who wears cloths around his head. And he said he was very flexible. I told him to get lost. Then he said he could go down on me. So told him, if he could bring me the troll as gift, then I could think about it.  He looked all sad and went away. Felt smug at my quick thought, until I saw Potter and his friends.

This time Potter gave me the evil eye first, so I gave him another detention for being insolent, even though Malfoy wasn't there. Then Weasley hissed with his red hair standing up in the end, so I gave them both detentions. Granger didn't give me the evil eye, so I let her go. Swerved my robe dramatically and exited.

Didn't dream of the purple nightie again. Go sleepying draught again. 

Purple nightie 1. Sleepying draught 2.

Entry 30 

It was Halloween, and was eating happily until Quirrell came in, yelling about troll in the dungeon. Damn him.  Didn't think he could do it, but he did. He fainted in front of Dumbledore, but not before giving me that suggestive look.  

Got up as fast as could, and ran toward 3rd floor.  It was forbidden, so Quirrell won't dare following me. Went into the wrong room. Got bitten by stupid three headed dog.  Couldn't go to Pomfrey. Afraid she might poison me for all the sleepying draught I got from her for black mailing her. 

Filch tried to jump me when cried out in pain(he must be mad that Quirrell likes me, well who can resist my robe swerving?).  But thank Merlin, Potter came in. So happy to get rid of Filch, didn't give Potter any detention. 

My bed smells like stupid troll. Had to kick Quirrell out of my bed with force. V. bitter stinking night. 

Decided not to swerve my robe any more.

Purple nightie 7. Sleepying draught 21.

Entry 40 

Quirrell cornered me again. Tried to convince me that I would like whips and leather. Told him I don't like being hit on. He mistook that for I didn't like whips and leather. Stupid man. I grab his shirts so I could correct him, but then Filch came with this hurt eyes, and he said there was a student out on the night, so I had to help him search the ground. 

Filch was glaring at Quirrell. Tried to get away from those two in excuse that I would check the dungeon, but they both wanted to come with me, because they were afraid of the dark. Was pure torture. 

Think I see possible tension between them. Better stay out of the lovers' way from now on. Good thing, Filch is a squid.

Practiced my robe swerving three times, just to make sure I know how to do it.

Purple nightie 8. Sleepying draught 30.

Pomfrey refused to make me any more free draughts. Guessed my threats about what she did last summer was getting old. Must think of new motto. V. tired. Too tired to think about Malfoy.

Entry 41 

Quirrell is not talking to me. Neither is Filch. V. nervous. Looking back constantly after my shoulder for both of them. Afraid that they will both jump me and chain me up in the dungeon.

Was too preoccupied that, didn't give as many detentions to Potter as would have liked. Malfoy looked all sulky. Thought about giving Malfoy the password to the kitchen, but decided against it. Filch was still on my tail but he's not talking to me. He might take it out on Malfoy.

Dreamed about whips and creams. Haven't come up with new motto for Pomfrey. She's refusing to see me.

Whips and creams 1. New motto 0.

Entry 56 

Quirrell sat close to me during the Quidditch match.  He said he forgave me. When said I didn't care, he got all nutty and accused me of having pervy thoughts about one of my students. Denied it, but didn't think he believed me, cuz he started to chant death threats at Potter. 

Being a good professor, decided to save Potter from his unfortunate death. Quirrell, lesser wizard than I, decided to cast fire on my robe instead. He knew how much I liked my new robe. That sod. 

V. sad about my new robe. Complained to Dumbledore, but he began to uncross his leg, so ran out of his office.

Practice my robe swerving again. I know, should stop, but can't.  Am addicted. 

Whips and creams with Dumbledore's legs 1. New motto 0.

Entry 59 

Tried to convince Quirrell that Potter wasn't my fancy, but he got all jealous and refused to listen to me.  Afraid for Potter's life now, even though that git gave me evil eyes whenever I was around from the first day. 

Oh no, maybe Potter read something from his father's old diary? If James put something about that night at the shack, will kill him again. 

Had to practice my robe swerving to calm my nerve.

Purple nightie is back with vengeance. Lost count. Still no new motto for Pomfrey. She's looking smug. Have to think of something quick.

Entry 60 

I still know what you did last summer. 

Enuf said. Pomfrey gave me all the draughts she had in her storage. Go me.

Pomfrey 0. New motto 1.

Entry 67 

Had to be a Quidditch referee so Quirrell won't kill Potter. Double points for me, cuz Malfoy thought, was there to help Slytherins win. Took his compliments with stride. Told him I liked his new hair cut.  Damn Quirrell was watching, so couldn't talk to him long. 

Went into Hogwarts to get away from Quirrell, after the match was over, but Filch was coming my way. Had to duck away, got a cramp in my leg from crouching under the long table. Could finally come out during dinner. 

All the seats were taken except the one next to Dumbledore, so with a sigh, sat next to him.  Tried hard not to think about his purple nightie. Gave Potter another evil eye with a sneer this time. God, he doesn't give up. Might let Quirrell kill him after all.

Purple nightie 10. Sleepying potions 45.

Entry 89 

2 tired 2 write.

Entry 90 

Exhausted.

Entry 91 

Had to watch Mrs. Norris, because Filch was finally talking to me. Didn't want to be on his bad side, even he was a squid, he could still throw a mean punch. Kept falling asleep without taking my potions.

Note to self: never piss off Filch.

Purple nightie 100. Sleeping potions forgotten: 90.

Entry 100 

I think Malfoy likes me. Go me and my stylish robe swerving. Need to practice being more dramatic. Afraid I am losing my touch.

Entry 101 

I think Hagrid likes me. 

Note to self: Stop my swerving in front of him.

Entry 102 

I hate Potter. Gave him another detention in front of Malfoy.

Entry 103

Blah. Blah. Blah. Don't want to write in this stupid diary.

Entry 104 

No, you are no stupid. It's not you. It's me. I am sorrrrrrrrrrrrrrry.

Entry 105 

Had to change my diary. Last one was too emotional. Spend whole day transferring my entries to this one.

Entry 127 

School's over. Thank god. 

Quirrell's gone. Apparently he had another man's face on his head. Voldie's face to be exact.  V. put off. Good thing I never gave in. Knew it the moment he said he liked S&M.

Potter's been knocked out for couple of days. I asked him if Voldie wore the black nightie, but he didn't know what I was talking about, since he was high with drug.  Wonder if I said too much. Should have asked Pomfrey to lower his drug dose, but didn't want to say 'I still know what you did last summer' again. 

Filch is chummy with me again, after I baby-sitted his stupid cat for months. He slipped me something before I left for the summer.  Checked when I got to my beach house.

It was a black nightie. 

Guess Filch wanted me instead of Quirrell all along. That makes more sense now that I think about it. 

I mean why would he keep Mrs. Norris wear a mask that looks strangely like my face? He said it was for her facial, but purrrr-lease.

Decided Malfoy was a passing infatuation. Felt better about my sanity.

Purple nightie since I left school 0.  (Huuuraaahh!!!!)  

Mrs. Norris with my face 3. (Think Merlin's punishing me.)

~~~~~~~~~~

Review!


	2. Twisted Diary of Jeremy Quirrell

Note: I didn't know what Quirrell's first name was, so just made one up. Hope enjoy this one, and remember to review! 

Jaderising 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Twisted Diary of Jeremy Quirrell 

Year 1

Entry 1

Shopping day was total disaster. Voldie wanted me to buy him red lipstick, but when told him he didn't have any lips, he got all sulky and refused to talk to me. Told him I didn't care if he never talks to me. 

But got little worried. My eye began to twitch along with my stuttering. 

Bought a new leather whip and chain on impulse. Hope to try them out soon. 

Harry Potter showed up at Leaky Cauldron. 

Voldie wanted me to ask Potter for an autograph. Wanted to give him an evil eye, but realized he couldn't see my eyes. Asked him why he wanted an autograph from a boy who killed him. Voldie admitted that he wanted to sell the autograph on ebay, so he could buy a horse saddle. 

Wondered about what he said, until got a headache from my butterbeer. 

At least he wasn't sulking anymore, so decided to get the autograph from Potter. 

Got chickened out when Potter wanted to touch my hand. Don't like little kid touching my clean hands, and started to stutter to cover up my dislike of germy kid. 

Voldie made fun of me the whole day, calling me Germy Quirrell. He won't stop after I told him to shut up. Even during our illegal joy ride down the Gringotts tunnel, he kept yapping. 

Wanted to whip his arse, then remembered he didn't have any arse. 

Finally, gave in, and bought him damn lipstick to shut him up. Hope he doesn't want me to put it on my head. Wearing stupid cloths to cover up his face is one thing, wearing lipsticks on back of my head is another. 

Entry 2 

He made me wear the lipstick. Good thing I could cover it up. V. sulky about loosing it to no-body. Got that, Voldie? Ahh, he doesn't get it. Stupid arse-less git. 

Also remembered that I forgot to buy new lotion gloves for my hands. V. disappointed in myself. Went to see Dumbledore to ask if he had a spare. Thought I saw him checking himself out in his purple nightie with weird chain around his neck. Kinda excited but realized that he could have been casting a new spell. 

He looked flustered when I asked him about the gloves, said didn't have one, but gave me a raise instead. Guess, he thought I needed money. Not that I complain. Celebrated the new raise by trying on the new leather mask. 

It was too big. 

V. grumpy. 

Entry 3 

Sulking all day until Snape sat down and started to brag me about his 1 galleon raise from Dumbledore. Didn't tell him about my own 2 galleon raise. Tried not to look smug, cuz Snape looked hot in his black robe. 

Thought out loud that he would look great in leather with dog collar. But Snape was staring intensely at Potter. Finally, began to wonder if he wanted an autograph from him or something. Started to wish that I had a lightening bolt scar, so he would want an autograph from me too. 

Hope Snape's into three some, cuz Voldie claims he ain't going anywhere for a long time. 

Decided to shrink the over sized leather mask. V. satisfied with the result. Now all I need is dog collar wearing Snape. 

Entry 4 

Discreatly followed Snape everywhere he went. Try to cast him my come hither look at him all day, but strangely he was immune. 

Shall try again. 

Spied Snape going to see Pomfrey. Wandered if Pomfrey was attractive sort. 

Found out she wasn't. Felt secure. 

Unless Snape was into women in uniform… 

In panic, told Pomfrey Snape was into body bondage. Think she found the information horrid. Felt secure yet again. 

Entry 5

Think Snape is avoiding me. Saw him practically run out when I came for breakfast, with his black robe swerving behind him. Wondered how he did that so dramatically. 

Decided to give it a try in my empty classroom. 

Didn't go too well. Tripped five times. Wondered if Snape practice his move to show off his figure. 

V. depressing to go to bed alone. I mean as alone as I could get with Voldie on my other head. 

Entry 6 

Cornered Snape. Confessed my desire, but he said he won't go out with me unless bought him a troll. Never knew Snape had a troll fettish. 

Oh well, no one's perfect. 

Decided to stop sulking and get to work. All I needed was a stupid troll. Wondered where I would find such creature. 

One good thing: Snape is definitely into threesome. Now maybe he would wear that dog collar I saved for him. 

Entry 17 

Gave Hagrid a dragon egg to get him to part with a troll, he had saved up for the rainy day. Shall go see about that troll tomorrow and strike up a deal. 

Entry 18 

The stupid troll only wanted someone to stick up something in his nose. Kinda got why Snape liked trolls so much after that. Told him I would stick something big in his nose, when he comes to my little Halloween party I had planned at Snape's dungeon. 

Couldn't see what's so hot about trolls, except they have very tight nose holes. Shall try out new things, so won't get outdated. Found out the trolls were the busiest on the night of Halloween. Made a date on the night of Halloween. Hope Snape will appreciate it and be impressed. 

Can't wait for the night to come. 

Entry 30 

Everything was ready. Voldie said he wanted to check out the school, so told him to go ahead. Voldie was being very nice now, seeing how hard I had worked to get the troll. 

Put the troll in Snape's bed, but the troll said he only had a limited time, cuz he had another appointment right after at Malfoys. Had to run off to tell Snape about the gift. 

Realized too late that in my excited preparation forgot to eat any meal. 

Note to self: Never run with empty stomach. 

Fainted in front of Headmaster. Woke up later alone. Troll was long gone, but he had gotten something stuck inside his nose, so didn't had to pay him or anything. 

Waited for Snape in his bed anyway. Snape came in limping later, and told me to get out. Guessed he was disappointed that troll was gone. Shall think of something else to impress him. 

Entry 31 

Told Voldie that I needed space cuz Snape might not like the idea of threesome. 

Pissed off Voldie. 

Not. 

Good. 

Tried to call the troll back after Voldie left, but he was booked until next Halloween, so finally gave up. V. annoyed at myself. Decided to spank myself to feel better. 

Entry 32 

Voldie went missing the whole night. He came back all smug with unicorn smell on him. Didn't know he was into horses. 

Told him he could have my cousin's horse during the summer. We are in good terms again. 

Tried to talk to Snape, but Filch was guarding his door. Will try again later. 

Entry 33 

Filch was there again. 

Think maybe Filch fancies Snape. Not that I worry. Filch was into cats, and don't think Snape was into animals, well…. except trolls…but they are practically human. 

And I did overheard Snape calling Filch a squid, which is definitely not very attractive thing to call a person. Seen the giant squid. Was ugly. 

Feeling secure over all. 

Entry 40 

Finally cornered Snape. Told him that he would like my new whips and wearing the leather, a leather thong to be exact, I got for him. 

He said he didn't like being hit on. 

Decided to act all Mary Sue. 

Then Snape got this angry look in his eyes, and took my shirts by force. Mentally applauded my reverse psychology. 

Then damn Filch interrupted us with an excuse that a student was out of bound. Gave him a good warning glare while we searched the corridor, and decided not to give him an inch, when clearly Snape was close to wanting _moi_. 

Followed Snape all night, trying to shake off Filch. 

Didn't work. 

Went to bed alone and exhausted. 

Entry 42

Reevaluated my tactic concerning Snape. Decided to give him more of my reverse psychology: no talking or pay attention to him. 

Voldie said Snape would be begging me to collar him by the end of the week. He suggested I should kill Potter in a mean time. 

Asked him why. Said Potter walked in on his horsey date in the Dark Forest. 

Entry 46

Voldie was wrong. No begging Snape as of yet. 

Entry 47 

Still no begging Snape, and my poor collars are not being used. 

Entry 48 

Started to get mad at Snape for being immune to my tactic. 

Entry 56 

Now I am pissed at Snape. 

Entry 57 

Felt guilty that I was mad at Snape for so long. Decided to forgive him tomorrow. 

Entry 56 

Told Snape that I forgave him at the Quidditch match. 

Got really mad, when he didn't care for my heart wrench confession. Noticed that Snape was staring at Potter again, far too many times. 

He had moved on. 

Already. 

Voldie was right. Decided to kill slutty Potter. Failed, when Potter groupie number one Hermione Granger body slammed me by surprise. 

Should have known that Potter was moving in on Snape from the first day. Thought about coaxing Potter groupie number one Granger to help break them up, but realized she probably won't want to kill Potter. 

V. bitter day. 

Thought about killing Potter 15. Thought about whipping Snape 37. 

Entry 65 

Snape denied that he was into Potter. Accused him of being in denial. 

Decided to kill Potter before the school was out. Told Filch about Potter and Snape. If my luck holds, Potter would be gone before this week. 

Thought about killing Potter 43. Thought about spanking Snape 5. 

Entry 70 

Filch couldn't kill Potter, cuz he needed to watch Mrs. Norris. Told him he was too chicken to date Snape. He got offended and left, trying to imitate the dramatic exit of Snape, but failing miserably. 

Note to self: Ask Snape about robe swerving technique before the school is out. 

Entry 89 

It was as I had expected. Filch was into cats. Saw Filch stroking a cat that looked strangely like Snape. Got strangely excited myself. However, upon closer look, turned out to be Mrs. Norris wearing Snape look-a-like mask. 

Think I am surrounded by losers. 

Voldie is moaning on about his last horsey date gone wrong. Told him to date some thing that is not so well hung. Reminding him that he didn't have an arse. 

Sure, he has his mouth… 

Entry 90

….maybe that was why he wanted to use his red lipstick so much. O-o 

Entry 124

Voldie said I could look at this cool mirror that showed the best porn action. Got excited at the prospect of watching some. Went through the stupid enchantments and protections to the mirror of Erised. 

Stood in front of it to watch, when slutty Potter came in. Told him to get lost, cuz he was underage and wasn't supposed to watch this sort of thing. He got defensive and claimed that he was only there to stop me and Voldie from stealing some stupid stone. 

Told his slutty face that I didn't care. Started to watch the action in mirror, when slutty Potter decided to grab my face with his germy hands. Got violent allergic reaction from his germy hands, and crumbled to death. 

Voldie left to find another horsey date potential in the wood. Dumbledore came and took slutty Potter. He was wearing his purple nightie again. Wondered what he was doing in London wearing that nightie. 

Decided to haunt Snape's bedroom until he comes back from his summerhouse. Hope Filch won't perform exorcism on me. 

Remembered that Filch was Sqib. Felt secure. 

Note to self: Slutty Potter is **dirty**, never know where he's been, don't touch him even as a ghost. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Katy999: Glad you found it funny and disturbing. 

Ivory Tower: Glad you want more! I shall do more soon. 

CleopatraVII: Thanks for pointing out the sqib and squid thing. Worked it into my story, all thanks to you! Year 2 of Snape's diary will be done after I finish with all the Year 1 diaries. 


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